What Happens when you Let the Butler Tag Along
by hypersterile boject
Summary: This is based on the Tomb Raider game, not the movie. It's a twisted version, mostly about how the butler helps mess everything up.
1. Caves: Violent Lara, Clever Wolves

What Happens when you Let the Butler Tag Along  
by Eccentric Mookie  
  
If you want to understand this at all, I suggest playing at least Tomb Raider and Tomb Raider II. I might end up writing about all of the Tomb Raider games, but that's only if people actually read this and like it.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Tomb Raider, Lara Croft, or her butler (Jeevo). I know, "Jeevo" isn't his real name, that's just his nickname. I can't even take credit for coming up with the name "Jeevo", because my friend thought of it, so. . .  
  
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Chapter One: Caves - Violent Lara, Clever Wolves  
  
- Lara wondered how much longer they would be trudging thorugh snow. Her butler, Winston (she called him Jeevo), had warned her to wear long pants, but nooooo. She had to go and wear those ridiculously short shorts that were so insufficient at conserving warmth that her legs would probably be frozen solid by the time they found the well-hidden tomb.  
  
Jeevo, on the other hand, was so bundled up that he would likely overheat, even in this frigid weather. He toddled along behind Lara like a forlorn penguin, groaning and huffing because of the great effort of shuffling through the snowbanks.  
  
Their guide, a muscular Peruvian man, was far ahead of them, already having reached a flat portion of the mountain they were struggling to ascend. When Lara and Jeevo reached him, he looked up at the unscaled remainder of the mountain. Carved within the sheer wall of rock were two enormous, tightly shut doors.  
  
Lara: This is it. You can relax now, Jeevo.  
  
Jeevo: ::grunts::  
  
Lara: What's wrong, you old gasball?  
  
Jeevo: It's a bit chilly out, that's all, Ms. Croft.  
  
Lara: You should be used to it by now, after all the times I've locked you in the freezer because you wouldn't stop following me around with that tray, the chinking of teacups ehcoing behind you and trailing along like a worn-out shadow.  
  
Jeevo: ::is befuddled by the deep imagery::  
  
Ignoring Jeevo's. . . err. . . befuddlement, Lara began to climb up the door to push the big, confusing stone button that would open the tomb. Lara pushing the big button reminded Jeevo oddly of an infant pushing a big, chunky button on a toddler toy.  
  
As the huge stone doors opened, the Peruvian tour guide looked inside the new, cavernous opening in the mountainside, expecting some big, ferocious wolves to run out and kill him. Yet as he swept his eyes over the area, he saw only shy, fleeing shadows.  
  
Lara: ::calling from up near the button:: Any wolves?  
  
Jeevo: Nope. Only cute little puppies that are enclosed by shadow.  
  
Lara's face contorted in a really nasty way. As the Peruvian man happily trotted towards the entrance of the tomb, Lara dropped in front of him and shot him. He made a big, dramatic display, then went ahead and died since no one was applauding him.  
  
Lara: ::blows the tip of her gun:: Damn wolves. . . they were supposed to kill him, I swear. . .  
  
Jeevo: Couldn't he have just come along with us?  
  
Lara: In every great game, there must be a kill scene before the first level starts. Now shut up and follow me!  
  
The loading bar began to fill with red colouration.  
  
The Croft woman and her butler found themselves in the tomb. The whole ceiling was covered in bats, and quite soon both Lara and Jeevo were covered in bat crap. The two had to roll in the snow to wash off, and sang to the bats to keep them from soiling them all over again.  
  
By the time they reached the area with the two bridges spanning a pit, Jeevo was sweating profusely and would probably combust at any moment.  
  
Lara: Just take off some of those old rags. It's not all that cold in here. Look, there are even ferns growing in here.  
  
Little did she know that the ferns were plastic. Anywho, Jeevo was soon just wearing his regular butler suit. He wrapped his leftover blankets and scarves around his partially-bald head so he wouldn't have to carry them.  
  
As they crossed the first bridge, everything seemed to be going fine. The Lara noticed a large, handsome grey wolf sleeping peacefully, his long muzzle laid upon his furry tail. The sight of the placid wolf made Lara steam. Slowly and silently she drew one of her pistols from its leather holster and pointed it directly at the wolf's brain. . .  
  
Before she could pull the trigger, the wolf had risen and leaped away into the shadows of a cave. It happened so fast that Lara blinked thrice and looked around, confused. She holstered her gun and, murmuring to herself, dragged Jeevo along the remainder of the bridge.  
  
As the two reached the pit with with the live, full-grown grizzly bear inside, Lara pondered.  
  
Lara: ::pondering:: Last time I checked, neither grey wolves nor grizzlies ranged in Peru. . .  
  
Jeevo: ::suddenly topples dangerously close to the edge of the pit::  
  
The butler's old blankets and scarves slid off his head, into the bear's face. Lara, seeing that the bear was preoccupied, grabbed Jeevo and threw him over the pit before joining him on the safe ground on the other side. The two left the bear screaming in agony, trying to rip the garments from its face. It just so happened that there was a melted chocolate bar within the folds of material. Gooey chocolate seeped into the grizzly's fur and he began to hallucinate.  
  
After a door-opening fiasco (in which Lara's left foot was smashed to a pulp), they reached an area where darts began to shoot out from the walls. These darts happened to be singing the Tomb Raider theme song.  
  
Lara: So THAT'S how they get the music in here. . .  
  
Jeevo: ::singing along and doing a poor job of it::  
  
Finally they stepped into the final area of the level. Lara pulled the final switch, Jeevo spat out the plastic fern he had been chewing on, and the two of them dragged themselves into the next level.  
  
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Author's Note: I know, it sucked. But review it anyways, please?! x_x 


	2. City of Vilcabamba: Butlers Don't Swim

What Happens When You Let the Butler Tag Along  
by Triangular Circle  
  
One of my reviewers commented on my use of the loading bar in the previous chapter and said it wasn't neccessary. Well, of course, I know that. This whole story is unneccessary, a pointless waste of time. ^_^ Also, they asked why the wolves didn't attack. I like wolves, and there has never been a single report of a healthy wild wolf attacking a human in North America. Yeah, I know they're in South America. . . But still, I don't like the idea. Wolves have much better things to be doing than killing worthless humans that give foul meat. ^^  
  
DISCLAIMER: What? I dun own it, okie?! Sheesh. . . x.x ______________________________________________________  
  
Chapter Two: City of Vilcabamba - Butlers Don't Swim  
  
Jeevo: ::sobbing:: I lost my Snickers bar in the bear incident! ::wails::  
  
Lara: Oh God. . . shut it, will you?! ::steaming::  
  
Lara proceeded to drag the blubbering butler along through the doorway to the City of Vilcabamba. As always she kept her guns at the ready in case one of them wolves decided that their territory wasn't big enough for the both of 'em.  
  
Making it around to a brightly lit open area centered around a square pool of water, Lara decided there was thus far no danger, and put her weapon away. She must not have smelled the bear dung in the stall seven paces away.  
  
Jeevo: ::pointing behind Lara:: L-L-L-a-a-ra. . . ?  
  
Lara: WHAT NOW?!  
  
Jeevo: ::passes out::  
  
Lara: ::looks behind herself to see a giant flesh-and-blood Carebear looming over her. . . preferrably Sunshine Bear, but whatever:: Um. ::stares in disbelief::  
  
Carebear: FEEL MY WRATH!! ::opens mouth, which is full of shiny crystal teeth::  
  
Lara: ::faints::  
  
Carebear: What?! No! I can't stand the sight of fainted human bodies! NOOO! ::dies::  
  
A few moments later, Lara and Jeevo awoke to see the Carebear carcass lying half-rotten on the ground. It stunk of vile roadkill.  
  
Lara: Well, that's one problem down. ::looks down at the square pool in the center of the room:: You stay here, old gasball. ::dives in::  
  
Jeevo yammered over being left alone, screaming so loud that his mistress could hear him despite her underwater depth. She surfaced, looking cross.  
  
Lara: What's up with you?! Can't you leave me in peace to do my work?! ::begins to drag him underwater with her::  
  
Jeevo: ::suddenly sprouts sharp claws and shreds Lara up, screaming and hissing::  
  
Lara: You're all worried about being alone, and yet you refuse to come along! Worthless lardbag! ::roars::  
  
Jeevo: ::becomes timid and whispers:: It's the water, Miss Croft. . . Water is evil. . .  
  
To solve the new problem, Lara wandered around, thinking. When her legs became tired from all the pacing, she sat down on the Carebear carcass to continue her thinking.  
  
Suddenly she hatched a brilliant idea. Digging through her backpack, she found a pocket knife and a three-foot lethal drill. She began to drill a reasonably small hole in the bear. Blood and guts came pouring out.  
  
Jeevo: LARA! Egads, what messy work! ::turns away before he can hurl::  
  
In due time Lara had completely hollowed out the carcass, like a jack-o- lantern. But, like a jack-o-lantern, some of the meat and organs managed to stay stuck to the inside. Regardless, Lara picked Jeevo up, put him inside the sweltering hot corpse, and sealed all openings with rubber cement (yet another useful item in her backpack).  
  
Lara: There. A submarine for little Jeevey-Poo so he doesn't have to drown. -_-'  
  
Jeevo: ::screaming inside the bear::  
  
Lara dragged the carcass-sub into the water behind her as she went looking for the switch that would open some door.  
  
After discovering Atlantis in the sorry-excuse-for-a-swimming-pool, Lara finally found the lever and pushed it. Yes. She PUSHED a lever. That's when everything went wrong.  
  
The carebear carcass-sub exploded, Jeevo came speeding out like a torpedo, and all of the water in the pool discintegrated into thin air. The problem was, Lara could only breathe thick air.  
  
Jeevo: ::farts::  
  
Lara: (after rolling around on the floor unnable to breathe) Thanks for the thick air, my trusty gasball!  
  
So then they made it all the way out to a new area, where Lara had to get them safely across a suspended collapsable floor, then push a giant block, then fall and break her neck out of a ten-story window that led them right back to where they had started. Only now they had this new key thingy. Yay!  
  
Lara unlocked a door and dragged Jeevo into an area where they were met with three new doorways, lined up as if only one was the correct path. . .  
  
Lara: Jeevo. . . This is one of those ones where you must choose one door or be killed. . .  
  
Jeevo: Uhhh. . . Just go in the first one, pull a switch or whatnot, then come back and go into the next doorway-  
  
Lara: IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! ::fetal position:: Cruel cruel world. . . ::sucks thumb::  
  
Jeevo shrugged-  
  
Jeevo: ::shrugs::  
  
--and walked into the first doorway.  
  
Jeevo: ::walks into the first doorway::  
  
Lara followed him, quite sure that this would be the one right path, but was not looking where she was going. She slid onto a patch of lime Jell-O and slipped around on it at two hundred miles per hour before finally getting onto a ledge of toilet paper and dragging Jeevo up with her.  
  
Finally they came to an area where they were required to exit the room they had decided to enter, and then go into the next room. But Lara, who was quite terrified and insisting that it still didn't work that way, refused to leave. She sat on the patch of Jell-O and shivered away. Jeevo had to toddle around for a few days, getting all of the puzzles solved and items obtained (he was quite shaken after the giant swinging axes).  
  
When it was time to head to the next level, Jeevo dragged Lara by her braid until they reached the final door.  
  
He was not expecting a second giant Carebear to attack.  
  
He narrowly missed its lunge, tossing Lara onto another Jell-O patch and sliding around with her at two hundred miles-per-hour. The carebear became highly dizzy, and collapsed onto them. Luckily, he had just come from the drycleaner's and was very soft and fluffy. In due time, the butler and his mistress passed into the next level. Geez. Took long enough. 


	3. Lost Valley: The Great and Somewhat Brea...

What Happens When You Let the Butler Tag Along  
by Triangular Circle  
  
This seems to be my most popular story yet. Only two chapters were up, and still I got eleven reviews. Weewoo! However, I warn you that this chapter will most likely be garbage. I'm in more of a dramatic mood, as opposed to a humorous one (blame the Rurouni Kenshin CDs I've been listening to ALL FREAKING DAY).  
  
DISCLAIMER: Tomb Raider is not mine. BUT. This cattle prod IS! ______________________________________________________  
  
Chapter Three: Lost Valley - The Great and Somewhat Breathtaking Cherry Lego Migration  
  
Lara and Jeevo reached a small stream on top of a rather flat cliff within the giant cave that they had managed to conquer thus far.  
  
Jeevo: ::sweating and panting:: M'lady, may I please take a drink from the stream?  
  
Lara: It'd probably be safer to boil the water, but who cares? Knock yourself out.  
  
Jeevo began to hit himself on the head, not knowing the meaning of Lara's suggestion. The woman groaned in frustration and told him to knock it off. He assumed she meant his head, and began to smash his skull against the cave wall.  
  
When at last Lara had sent Jeevo to school to learn the difference between figurative and literal, the butler leaned down to sip from the stream. As his old sagging leather lips made contact with the water, he found himself seeing nothing but red. Literally.  
  
Jeevo: ::reels back from the stream:: LARA! There's red stuff in the water! And I just drank it! I fear there may be a fresh carcass upriver!  
  
Lara rushed over to the stream, and was even more shocked than her butler. For though Jeevo could see the red coloration it the water, he did not have the eyesight necessary to see the shapes which the red coloration was formed into. The entire stream was full of red Lego blocks.  
  
Lara: I've heard about this before! In one of my books, it says that every year in an old rundown Incan cave, a hoard of creatures called "cherry Legos" are swept downstream and over a raging waterfall to their breeding grounds in a fake-looking but entirely natural rectangular pond! ::rushes down to the pond, having forgotten about Jeevo::  
  
Jeevo attempted to follow his mistress, but slipped on a random cube of lime Jell-O and fell into the stream. Instantly five hundred little cherry Legos latched onto him with cleverly-hidden mouthparts, biting to rend and destroy. Jeevo's feet were soon bleeding and clotting.  
  
Jeevo: LAAAARAAAAAA!!! ::clot hack sigh::  
  
Lara had not heard him and continued to stand next to the pond, watching (somewhat breathlessly) the cherry Legos cascading down the waterfall. When she saw Jeevo go flying out into the air with water splooshing gracefully around him, she began to cry. It was that beautiful.  
  
The force of the waterfall made it so that Jeevo was forced down to the bottom of the pond and was not able to surface for several minutes. Luckily, the cherry Legos had let go of him and were off to eat random pieces of pencil shavings that some tourist had dropped into the water.  
  
Lara: That was simply beautiful. ::sobs and looks at Jeevo:: They should make an entire movie about that. "Usually Dull Butler Becomes Graceful Waterfall Jumper". ::throws herself on the ground, wailing::  
  
Jeevo: I am very flattered that you found it breathtaking---  
  
Lara: SOMEWHAT breathtaking.  
  
Jeevo: ---but I must say, shouldn't we be continuing our search for the artifact?  
  
Lara: Oh, you're right. ::pouts:: Meanie.  
  
Jeevo: ::stares blankly, not sure what to say::  
  
Lara then dragged her ever-willing doozer off to the heart of the Lost Valley, where she hoped to find the artifact without any further ado. Silly Lara.  
  
Near a small waterfall (out of which yellow Legos were pouring), was a reptile. He was of a strange variety, with antlers, large milky eyes, and a very fluffy tail made of 100% rayon. He was hanging by velcro to an icicle that had randomly decided to not melt. Next to this reptile sat a psychiatrist; a large (and very styrofoam-filled) box made of particle board.  
  
Reptile: ::stares accusingly at the box/psychiatrist:: You! You are the worst mommy I have ever had! Why do you not free me from this tree?!  
  
Lara and Jeevo just so happened to chance upon this scene, and heard the reptile scream "I am TOO extinct! There is not a single salad shooter in the world who will tell you I'm not extinct!"  
  
Lara: ::whispers to Jeevo:: I. . . don't think we want to get involved with THIS.  
  
Jeevo: ::has already run out to save the "poor reptile" from the "evil box"::  
  
The butler whacked the box with a plastic spoon, expecting it to fight back. It did not. It simply fell over from its armchair, spilling styrofoam pieces out onto the ground.  
  
Reptile: ::stares at Jeevo with rage, torment, accusation, hysteria, and every other noun in the English dictionary:: YOU KILLED MY MOMMY! DIE, YOU IMPERSONATOR OF A ROBOT THAT LOOKS LIKE A FAMOUS BUTLER!  
  
Jeevo narrowly escaped the reptile's wrath, using a magical piece of lint to transport himself to the inside of a Lego's small intestine (he then found his way out and fell from the sky to where Lara was standing).  
  
The tomb raider and her butler were then in motion, running, tripping, slipping, sliding and wagglepoo-ing through the Lost Valley until they thought they had made it away from the horrible reptilian fiend. Indeed, they had outwitted him, for he was hanging by his teeth on a giant dinner roll. Silly reptile. Didn't he know that Pillsbury gives lard from My (clogged) Heart to Yours (TM)?  
  
Lara soon discovered that the only way to find the artifact was to kill some Legos, piece them together on a wall-mounted puzzle, and go through the cleverly-hidden passageway behind the giant dinner roll. The next level was soon Lara's and Jeevo's to defeat. 


	4. Tomb of Qualopec: Duckoration

What Happens When You Let the Butler Tag Along  
by Triangular Circle  
  
I started to wonder something yesterday. Is the entire Tomb Raider game going haywire just because Jeevo tagged along? It makes you wonder if maybe the old man had some sort of alliance with the Incan ruins and planned all of this out. Err. . . it makes ME wonder, anyways. . .  
  
Anywhoozle, a note to my friend Kallaalit: I think you'll recognize the chapter title. XD  
  
DISCLAIMER: I have. . . a cattle prod, a rotten grape, and some refillable pencils that refuse to be refilled. o_O ______________________________________________________  
  
Chapter Four: Tomb of Qualopec - Duck-o-ration  
  
When behind the waterfall and in the tomb, Lara and Jeevo gave a cry of horror as an enormous something, perhaps a yellow boulder, came rolling at them to squash them against the walls.  
  
After they had dodged, smashed their faces against the wall, and recovered, they realized that the "yellow boulder" was actually a mass of yellow Legos, formed into the shape of a duck's head.  
  
Lara: . . .you've got to be kidding.  
  
Jeevo: Oh! It's so evil-looking! ::sobs::  
  
A large dinosaur holding a paintbrush saw them and started singing. Soon enough, an entire mob of the scaly relics had gathered around the humans and were tying them up to a totem pole that was carved into a very ugly and elongated duck.  
  
The human prisoners were dragged to another room, which was strikingly different than the other room. Instead of the walls being patterned with many elegant red and gold colors, the entire room was painted duckling- yellow. With low-quality and glossy latex paint, which was a dire shame.  
  
random reptile: We're re-duck-o-rating the Tomb for Master.  
  
Lara: Re-what-a-whoozle?  
  
reptile: ::sighs:: Re-DUCK-O-RATING. It's the equivalent of redecorating, except that it sounds better because it was made up by a genius. ::grins dully::  
  
Lara: . . .  
  
Jeevo: RAAAR! I wanna quack quack QUAAACK TILL AH DIEEE--  
  
Lara: . . .  
  
another reptile: ::runs in and says frantically:: I've gotten word that Mr. Peck is coming back any minute now! ::pants::  
  
Just as the random reptile headed out of the room, he smashed into a large, broad-shouldered robot. The robot ignored him and skipped into the room gleefully. The reptile slid off of him and died on the floor.  
  
reptile with paintbrush: Mr. Peck! But. . . I thought you were in the Spirit Realm?  
  
Mr. Peck: It's QUALOPEC. And no. I was napping. ::giggles and smacks the reptile::  
  
reptile: x_x ::falls over, dead::  
  
Jeevo: Hey, Pecking Duck Boy! Do you have the Scion? IF YOU DON'T AH'LL QUACK S'MOREEE CAUSE AH LURVE QUACKIN', YEAH--  
  
Qualopec: I LIKE QUACKING TOO. But no. No Scion. But would you like to see my pets?  
  
[five minutes later]  
  
Lara: Jeevo. You make me sad.  
  
The two companions were hanging over a pit full of crocodiles, each one scrawny, starving, rabid, poisonous, frenzied, and adorable.  
  
Jeevo: --AND THEREFORE QUACKING IS--  
  
Lara: ::looks around and sees a ventilation shaft on the ceiling:: If we can get up there. . .  
  
She began to chew through the ropes around her wrists, using her feet to cling to a tiny ledge on the wall. As her teeth severed through, her upper half began to plunge into the pit, but she grabbed Jeevo's shiny shoes and was suspended like a bridge between Jeevo and the wall. Using her arms to thrust herself up, she was soon hugging the wall. Unfortunately, she had taken too much laxative that morning and it was going to her head.  
  
Becoming dizzy, her grip on the wall slipped. As she fell into the croc pit, a mini bunny-helicopter robot with ears for rotors flew past and sliced Jeevo's rope as well.  
  
Jeevo: --AND YELLOW-FEATHERED WITH WEBBED FEET AND-- ::splash!::  
  
Underwater, Lara saw Jeevo sinking to the bottom of the pit like a rock. The crocodiles' silhouettes and shadows were circling them eerily, driving her to swim after Jeevo and grab his shirtcollar.  
  
Too late. They were cornered by a croc. Lara fumbled through her arsenal for a harpoon gun, but found that in place of it she had packed a giant glittery pencil with pink fuzzy stuff at the end.  
  
Lara: ::gurgle gurgleee!::  
  
Suddenly the crocodile (which was actually an alligator. . .) opened his mouth. His teeth began to fly out of his mouth like missiles, a few of which pinned themselves in Lara's arms and legs.  
  
Only a few hundred teeth were able to sail, however, because Jeevo slammed a large quiche in the alligator's face. As the two made their escape, Lara spotted a tunnel large enough for them to swim through but too small for their scaly pursuers.  
  
Through the tunnel, they reached the inside of a sewer. They crawled through pipes, got slapped with radioactive toxins, and met a Scottish man who had gotten lost seventy years ago. The sewer ended in a room lit by glaring flourescent lights. Lara spotted the Scion and made a dash for it. Jeevo was rolling behind her, still singing his duck song.  
  
Just as her hand touched the artifact, some sort of warp was activated. Suddenly she was standing on the top of a roof of what looked like a government building, wearing a wetsuit and holding a kite with kittens on it. A man wearing a nametag reading "Zip" ran out and slapped her with a fish, screaming something about having to get to the other building across the street in order to murder the Scion.  
  
Then she was standing back in the Incan ruin, wobbling and looking quite unstable.  
  
Lara: ::mutters:: Murder the Scion?  
  
Jeevo: ::pulls her back out of the room and towards an obvious exit:: -- RUBBER DUCKIES STINK BECAUSE--  
  
When almost to the exit, Lara realized that she only had part of the artifact. That, coupled with her wierd vision, was going to make things difficult. 


End file.
